If Only for a Moment
by HoofsTails Gal
Summary: Dean realizes he's raised Sam well. Now he has to go through the difficult task of telling him.


_Disclaimer:_ I own nothing. Almost literally.

Summary: Pre Pilot/during season.Dean's pride was almost too much to handle and now he has to dump it before it becomes too heavy.

_A/N: _I know there are tons of stories out there about this very topic and how Sam went to college without good wishes, but I hope you all will give this story a chance as it's different than the average story on this topic. Please let me know what you thought.

_A/A/N_: I've officially lost track of how many story ideas I've come up with, started writing, and then completely abandoned. This was nearly one of them. Lucky for me I had time(in abundance) and a huge stack of paper coupled with a great character and a gap in the time-line of the show. Please leave me a review.

**If Only for a Moment**

When Dean questioned life or the reason for hunting he hated himself. Hated the fact that he didn't know what normal was. Hated himself because he didn't _want_ to be normal. Hated that whenever he met someone he even remotely liked he had to lie. Hated everything about hunting. Everything except his brother.

Sam was the only good thing he had. Not just because he was Dean's little brother, but also because Dean practically raised him. No matter how angry he was that Sam had ditched him for two years Dean was still more proud than upset. He couldn't help that he loved Sam enough to let him go away. In fact, when Sam had admitted to Dean that he had a full ride to Stanford Dean had felt what his father never voiced…

"_Dean" Sam was sitting quietly on a rock next to a rather large tree. They were hunting a werewolf and, as luck would have it, John was doing a quick scour of the land which meant Sam and Dean were alone._

"_Yeah," Dean shuffled from his standing position in order to move closer to his brother._

"_I need you to promise me you won't say anything to Dad."_

_Dean shrugged, but Sam couldn't see him in the dark. "Alright."_

"_I um- I got a full ride to Stanford," Sam said in a rush of air._

_Dean remained silent. He knew Sam was a smart kid, but he had never even considered that he wanted to go to college. Their dad hadn't said anything about school past the required education and so Dean hadn't even thought about it. Now though, Sam was telling him he could learn more than anyone in their family ever had._

_A sudden swelling pride burst from the pit of Dean's stomach. His kid brother was gonna be a genius!_

"_That's so awesome, Sammy!" He couldn't voice past that._

"_Yeah…"_

_Dean stiffened slightly, the pride calming down a few notches._

"_Aren't you excited?" Dean sat down next to Sam._

"_I guess, but you know what it means, right?" Sam stood up and waved the shotgun he was holding._

"_Yeah. Course I do Sammy. It means you can be whatever you want. You're gonna be even more of a smart ass than you are now."_

"_No, Dean!" Sam stood still and tried his best to stare at Dean through the darkness, "it means that I can't hunt anymore. I can't go around the country with you and Dad. I have to stay in California. Have to."_

_Now Dean's pride had completely vanished and was replaced with both anger and fear along with a pinch of confusion._

"_You're gonna leave us?"_

_Sam started to pace, "I won't ever have the chance again if I turn this down."_

"_You're just gonna pack up and leave? Walk out the door with just a 'So long and good riddance'?" Dean's voice was a bit harsher than he'd intended it to come out._

"_No, Dean! I-well… yeah. I'm not hunting anymore. I just-," Sam stopped and sat down. Dean could see him rub his face in weariness as the full moon finally broke through the clouds, "I wanna be normal. I want to live the way normal people do, not having to worry about what's really out there."_

"_That'll never happen. You'll always remember that there are other things living around us. No matter how _hard_ you try you'll never be normal. You'll never fit in."_

"_I don't care! I thought you'd be glad… you should consider stopping too. I mean-,"_

"_What? Why should _I_ stop? I've got nothing to stop _for!"

"_For me. So I know you're ok."_

_Dean remained silent. There was no way he was gonna stop hunting. Especially if his father didn't. He couldn't let John hunt on his own._

"_No. I can't just quit. I'm not like you Sam. I can't pretend all of this away." He raised his own gun and motioned around himself with it._

_Sam sighed. A deep, heart wrenching sigh as if this was the hardest decision he'd ever made. When Dean considered it, it probably was._

_Another swell of pride hit Dean full force. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't be upset at Sam for wanting something that was actually in his reach._

"_Congratulations." Although Dean sounded hollow he felt proud._

"_Thanks… you know I would never _leave_ you, right?"_

"_Yeah."_

Dean had allowed him to go, mostly because his dad was royally pissed, but partially because he knew Sam would be safe. That was one of the only reasons he wasn't gonna go drag Sam back to hunt. Had his kid brother not been safe at college then Dean would have physically brought him to his senses.

The pride had not died down at all. For two long years he had to burry it, and, despite the few brief visits to Stanford (in which his father would watch Sam from the car and allow a brief smile to splay across his lips) Dean couldn't vent his pride or even gather up enough bravery to tell his brother just how proud he really felt.

During the two years his brother was in college Dean would constantly pick up his cell phone and stare at the contact labeled 'Sammy'. His finger would hover for several long seconds and then he'd close it. Sam was happy. Sam was normal. He didn't need his older brother calling him to remind him of the life he was trying to forget.

Only a few months before their dad took off, Dean's phone had finally rang…

_The screen read 'Sammy.' At that moment, Dean realized how much he missed his brother. The second he pressed connect words were already forming in his mouth._

"_Sammy!" It had been long over a year and the pride and excitement finally burst through._

"_Dean?"_

"_Yeah! It's me." Dean couldn't help laughing. In his typical fashion he cracked a sarcastic comment, "Finally decided to call did me, College Boy?" He'd worked a good three days on a proper nickname for his brother. It had come to him when he had a minor cold._

"_Haha… very funny."_

_Sam sounded different somehow. Dean couldn't exactly peg the difference. In a way Sam's voice was mellower and his humor too. Normally Sam would have actually laughed at a dorky name like 'College Boy.' Dean felt himself turn series as he realized Sam had changed from the easy to please nineteen year old to a hard shelled twenty one year old._

"_How's everything Sammy?"_

"_It's Sam… and it's alright."_

_There was an awkward silence. _

"_Meet anyone?" Dean tried to keep it simple just as anyone well educated would want it._

"_Yeah, actually, I did." Sam skirted over the subject as if it meant nothing. "Have you?"_

_Dean was slightly taken aback. Sam knew that Dean and his dad still moved around a lot. The fact that he had asked set Dean off a bit._

"_No. You know how it is in our line of work."_

"_Yeah."_

_Another very stiff silence. Dean was a little heated so he asked the first thing that came to mind._

"_Why are you calling?" He couldn't stand that he had to ask that. After well over a year this whole conversation was far from what Dean had planned it out to be._

"_Nice to hear from you too Dean."_

_Dean didn't say anything, but he was seriously ticked now._

"_I called to say hello," Sam replied in his angry tone._

"_Huh." Dean huffed, still reverting to silence._

"_What Dean? I call to say hi and that's all you've got?"_

_Dean breathed in slowly, but he couldn't stop the flow of angry emotions, "A year and a half Sam! I haven't heard from you for a year and a half. You call expecting me to be all 'happy go-lucky'? Expecting me to not be even remotely upset that you've ignored me for so long?" Dean nearly slapped himself. He _hadn't_ wanted this to happen! He'd wanted to tell Sam how he really felt._

_Sam waited for a beat, "I just wanted to-"_

"_No… you didn't want to see if I was okay."_

"_How the hell would you know what I wanted?"_

"_You're right," Dean's voice had risen, "You're totally and utterly correct! I don't know what you want. Not anymore at least! You've changed Sam."_

_Sam's voice came out quiet, "What do you mean?"_

"_You asked me if I met anyone-"_

"_After you asked me!" Sam was shouting again._

"_That's because _normal_ people meet _other_ normal people. Then they all sit to talk about the stock market over cups of coffee. _I_ don't do that shit and you know that! Or, at least, you used to."_

_Sam didn't respond. Dean didn't know if he would._

"_You know what Dean."_

"_No, tell me what."_

"_I'm happier without you and Dad! Safer. And, to tell you the truth, I didn't even mean to call you."_

_And then he hung up._

That was the last he'd heard from Sam until their dad went missing. Despite their dispute Dean still felt waves of pride. Despite the fact that he was upset with his brother and wanted to rip his head off when he thought about their telephone argument he still felt proud.

As soon as their dad took off Dean went to get Sam. Even after a whole weekend together Dean still hadn't admitted to how proud he was.

As Dean was dropping Sam off something in his gut told him to stay put and wait till after his kid brother's interview (which he'd nail, Dean knew) and Dean would _finally_ tell Sam that he was the best brother anyone could hope for.

But, Jessica (the girl Dean learned was Sam's mystery match) ended up being pinned to the apartment ceiling. _That_ ruined Dean's plan.

After that Sam was so dead set on killing the demon they'd been hunting all their lives it made Dean forget about Sam's smart gene.

Suddenly, he was thrown back together with his brother who'd changed so much, Dean wasn't even sure he was proud anymore.

He wanted the old Sam back. He wanted his Sammy to suddenly appear within this older Sam. He wanted it so bad that he didn't realize Sammy couldn't come back, that little Sammy _shouldn't_ come back.

It wasn't like Sammy wasn't still in there. Dean quickly realized that whenever Sam felt broken apart he'd change back to the Sammy Dean missed and when that happened Dean would always feel the urge to spill his overflowing emotions onto his brother.

It was on one of these occasions that Dean finally worked up the nerve to tell Sam about how he felt…

_Sam had just woken up from a nightmare. Dean had allowed him to catch up on some necessary sleep in the car, and the kid had been out for a good five hours. He'd sat up gasping for air._

"_Nightmare?" Dean always felt compelled to ask even though he knew the answer._

"_Yeah," Sam sat up straighter, "How long have I been asleep?"_

_Dean felt like reply with 'Look at your watch, Smart One,' but he deliberately avoided that trail of thought._

"_A little over five hours…" Dean glanced over and noticed how rigid his brother was. "Wanna talk about it?"_

_Sam shook his head before Dean locked his eyes back on the road with a heavy grunt._

"_It was about Jessica… dying."_

_Dean looked over again. This time he noticed the lingering sadness in Sam's eyes._

"_I'm sorry," Dean said with honest sincerity, "you shouldn't have to deal with all this."_

"_All of what?" Sam was quick to respond._

"_Having to cope with Jessica's death, knowing that the thing is still out there…" Dean trailed off and then, as if the next thought shouldn't have been uttered aloud, whispered, "and being with me instead of at college."_

_Sam stiffened even more, if that were possible, and looking as his brother's profile, "Dean."_

"_Yeah."_

"_I want to be here. With you."_

_Dean didn't look over. His stomach was doing its typical swelling._

"_I've never told you this Sammy, but when you told me you had a full ride to Stanford a few years back I was so incredibly…" Dean fell silent, contemplating his next words. "You're so smart, Sam. I wish I could be half as smart as you. I was just- upset when you told me, but I was so happy that I'm your brother because you're so…"_

_Sam sat completely still._

"_Look, all I'm trying to say is that I'm proud of you." Dean's stomach unclenched and he smiled._

"_Thanks," Sam replied dryly._

_Dean tossed another glance at him, "What?"_

_Sam sighed and threw himself back against the seat so he faced forward again._

"_Nothing…" Sam paused. Dean hated that. "It's just, Dad should be the one saying that."_

_Dean scowled and Sam must have noticed because he continued._

"_I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate it! You have no idea how mutual the feeling is…"_

_Dean loosened up a bit._

"_But you're my brother, _you_ shouldn't have to be so proud. You shouldn't feel like you need to tell me all this."_

_Sam frowned in thought. Then he looked out the window._

"_That doesn't change how I feel," Dean answered honestly._

_The conversation ended there._

Dean still felt as if he hadn't told Sam everything. He hadn't told him that he was so proud it verged on jealousy.

Either way, Dean knew he had to bring up the subject again if not to make Sam understand than to change his brother back into the Sammy he remembered.

The next time the opportunity arrived Dean wasn't sure he could bring the subject up again.

Sam had just figured out about his visions and they had already visited Missouri for her help…

_Sam stood several feet away from the Impala, standing across from Dean, who was venting his edge of anger out in several harsh words._

_As he calmed down he finally turned his gaze on Sam._

"_She didn't say anything about you being a psychic," said Dean, still a little on edge about Sam's weird dream._

_Sam sighed in exasperation and threw up his hands. "I'm not psychic! It's just a vision. It doesn't matter!"_

_But Dean knew that it did matter. Even though Sam's voice had been firm Dean could see the doubt in his expression._

_Dean brushed a hand through his hair and sighed. _

"_Alright… ok… We'll figure this out together, Sammy."_

_Sam nodded and looked away, biting his lip the way he used to when he was younger. _

_Dean's emotions switched gears so quickly that he felt a slight shock wave pass through his system. He was no longer worried about Sam's freaky ability. Now he felt the strong urge to voice his feelings of pride._

"_Look Sammy… I know I've told you this before, but I'm proud of you."_

_Sam allowed his steady gaze to land on his older brother._

"_What's there to be proud of?" Sam asked, looking defeated - beaten by his own subconscious._

"_Everything."_

_Sam smiled, flushing a bit. His grin was young, cheeky, embarrassed and so 'Sammy' that Dean's heart felt fit to burst._

"_Dean… I'm glad we're brothers." Sam continued smiling and then Dean realized where the conversation was heading. He immediately held up his hand to prevent Sam from continuing._

"_No hugging Sammy. Lord knows we're already having the biggest chick flick moment of the year."_

_Sam laughed and Dean grinned as he watched his Sammy turn around and laugh all the way back to the car._

_Dean decided it felt good to have his kid brother back, if only for a moment._


End file.
